Marvin X's fictional interview with President Obama and speech to Muslims

Friday, June 24, 2011

Obama Drama, Scene #3: Interview with Marvin X

Marvin X Interviews President Obama

Marvin X, Thank you Mr. President for agreeing to meet with me.

 

Prez, The pleasure is all mine. I've been reading your blogs and find them quite interesting.

 

MX, I hope you don't say what Minister Farrakhan said about my comments on him.

 

Prez, What did he say?

 

MX, He said I raked him over the coals.

 

Prez, I agree with Minister Farrakhan. You can be quite hard hitting.

 

MX, They call me the sledgehammer.

Prez, Indeed you are.

 

MX, Call it tough love.

 

Prez, OK.

 

MX, Furthermore, I supported you wholeheartedly from the beginning. You obviously haven't seen my book Pull Yo Pants Up fada Black Prez and Yoself.

 

Prez, No I haven't.

 

MX, But I must agree with our mutual friend Dr. Cornell West. I'm sure you are aware that he said we must protect you, respect you, but check you.

 

Prez, Yes, I heard his remarks. And you know what I said, "You brothers need to cut me some slack."

 

MX, Prez, you don't need slack. You need us riding your back like Roy Rogers on Trigger.

 

Prez, Don't you think I have enough pressure on me?

 

MX, Well, I once forced the resignation of the president of Fresno State University. Well, actually he said he was pressured from above (Gov. Ronald Reagan) and below (student protests after the college refused to hire me). So we see you are the type of guy who must be pressured from above and below, from the right and the left.

 

Prez, How much pressure you think a person in my position can take?

 

MX, You got Mechelle to chill you out!

Prez, You're right about that.

 

MX, But I wrote about her putting a foot in your ass when you get weak.

 

Prez, I don't think that's necessary

 

MX, Well, you seem to capitulate at every turn. You call it the nature of politics, of course.

 

Prez, Well, I certainly don't call it capitulation. That's a bit harsh. I try to negotiate and compromise with my opposition.

MX, Prez, It seems to me you give in too quickly, sometimes when it ain't even necessary.

 

Prez, Marvin, it's the nature of the beast I'm dealing with.

 

MX, Ever heard of playing hardball? I mean I was happy you got the health insurance plan through but at what price, selling out to the insurance lobby?

 

Prez, I don't call it selling out, it was compromise, the best we could do under the circumstances.

 

MX, Prez, why have you not created a jobs program? You bailed out the banks and corporations but not the people, why?

 

Prez, Marv, you know I have a most difficult job and we tried a stimulus package, and it worked to some extent.

MX, But, Prez, there are still millions of unemployed. Yet at the same time you are promising terrorist jobs in Iraq and Afghanistan if they lay down their arms. Should the American unemployed take up arms to get your attention?

 

Prez, Marv, please, what are you suggesting, revolution?

MX, If that's what it takes to get you to consider the consent of the governed. Is not the first priority of this nation the people, not corporations and banks?

 

Prez, Well, corporations are people now.

 

MX, Prez, you know what I mean.

 

Prez, Of course.

MX, How can you provide funds for educating, housing and employing terrorists abroad but not at home? It just doesn't make sense, Mr. Prez.

 

Prez, You're right, Marv.

MX, Now you're getting ready to raise one billion dollars to keep your job, but you can't find a few billion for the millions of unemployed

Prez, You're right, Marv. I can do better. Let me regroup with my advisers and think about it.

MX, Yeah, Prez, I want to support you reelection but I find it most difficult. And the brothers on the street as well. They were happy when you won, they said it was great to know they could look up to someone besides a rapper. But lately they are saying fuck you, Mr. Prez.

Prez, I'm sorry to hear that

MX, You should know this is what they're saying, Fuck you!

Prez, I often wonder about the mood in the hood.

MX, You should wonder before something terrible happens to your country because of your neglect and misplaced priorities. Can I ask you something personal?

 

Prez, Go for it!

MX, Do you feel like a white man or black man?

 

Prez, Well, when I'm with Mechelle, I feel black. When I'm with my Secretary of State, Hilliary, I feel white.

MX, I thought Hillary was black, along with her husband, Dirty Bill.

Prez, Marv, let's not name call, please.

 

MX, OK. On a more serious matter, how long did you know Osama bin Laden was in Pakistan?

 

Prez, We had him under surveillance for some time.

MX, Years, months?

Prez, a long time.

MX, Should I congratulate you for slaying the dragon?

Prez, That's up to you.

MX, Well, you probably deserve a feather in your cap. A couple of Brownie points.

Prez, Marv, thanks.

MX, But, Prez, where's the body?

Prez, We threw it in the ocean.

MX, C'mon, Prez, do I look like Willie Foofoo?

Prez, Marv, we did, trust me.

MX, Prez, I'm an ex-dope fiend. I know how people lie.

Prez, Marv, are you calling me a liar?

MX, I didn't say that, Prez, but my elder, Dr. Nathan Hare, taught the fictive theory. Everything the white man (and black man or white/black man) says is fiction until proven to be a fact. Where are the facts, Prez?

Prez, Marv, trust me. We thought it best to dispose of the body in the ocean.

MX, But who's going for this, Prez, it sounds shaky.

Prez, We concluded that was the best way to end the matter of a man who murdered three thousand Americans.

 

MX, Prez, how many Muslims have you murdered since you became President?

Prez, I can't answer that.

MX, Between Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan, how many, especially with the collateral damage?

Prez, Can't answer that. It was all in defense of America.

MX, Is a few ignorant men living in mountain caves really a threat to America?

Prez, They can be.

MX, C'mon, Prez. Let's change the channel. What happened with the closing of Gitmo?

Prez, We tried but couldn't pull it off.

MX, What about the secret prisons in America?

Prez, I'm not aware of them.

MX, Maybe you should check with homeland security?

Prez, Our priority is the safety of Americans.

MX, Does this include murdering American citizens rather than bringing them to trial?

Prez, Not necessarily.

 

MX, What about the man in Yemen you are trying to kill who is an American citizen?

Prez, He's a special case.

MX, But he's an American.

Prez, Marv, don't press the issue.

MX, That's exactly what I'm doing.

Prez, Don't press it, Marv.

MX, Let's discuss the Middle East for a moment. I've written about your speech in Cairo and Indonesia. I've imagined what you will say about Muslims tomorrow, May 19. You know as long as you occupy one inch of Muslim land there shall be Muslims who view you as a Crusader and they will vow to fight you to the death.

Prez, Marv, I'm aware how Muslims feel about us occupying their lands. And we plan to vacate all Muslim lands at the earliest possible date.

MX, Does this include having your friends in Israel do the same?

Prez, Well, that's a matter for the Israelis, not us.

MX, But you are their very best friend. You support them right or wrong, true?

Prez, I wouldn't say that. But we have an enduring relationship.

MX, Don't you see the day is rapidly arriving when they cannot claim to be the only democracy in the area, that they will bow down to the God of Justice, not peace but justice?

Prez, Events are rapidly changing in North Africa and the Middle East. Therefore we must all make a paradigm shift in our thinking and behavior, including Israel.

MX, What about your friends in Saudi Arabia?

Prez, They will need to make substantial changes as well.

MX, And Bahrain?

Prez, It's a special case. We have strategic interests there.

MX, You seem to be saying America practices selective suffering. You now support the Egyptian revolution, the Tunisian, Yemen, but not in Saudi Arabia or Israel, Jordan, Bahrain.

Prez, Marv, we have our interests that must be secured first.

MX, What if and when these nations explode in your face, overnight, as is happening as we speak. Seems like you'll be running after the football or playing catchup?

Prez, We'll do what we must when we must.

MX, Thank you, Mr. Prez.

--Marvin X

5/18/11

Marvin X Writes Obama's Speech to Muslims
As-Salaam-Alaikum
I, Barack Hussein Obama, President of the United States of America, come before you tonight in the name of Almighty God Allah. We, the America people, are pleased to see the people of North Africa and the Middle East rising up against our long time friends in Tunisia, Libya, Egypt, Yemen and elsewhere.

 

Of course we instituted a no fly zone over Libya but it is most difficult to do the same in Gaza. The recent unity of Hamas and the Palestinian Authority is nice but simply not in the interests of our dear friends in Israel, nor is it in the long term strategic interests of America and her friends throughout the region, especially our brothers in the House of Saud.

 

While we endorse the cries for freedom in Tunisia, Libya, Egypt and Yemen, we cannot support the people in Bahrain. We suspect they are simply agents for Iran and therefore we cannot support their cries for freedom. We have no plans of moving our Fifth Fleet from Bahrain, especially since it is a counterweight to Iranian provocations. We therefore endorse the sending of Saudi troops to crush the Shia uprisings in Bahrain.

 

As per Saudi Arabia, we love democracy but it is simply not in our interests to have the Saudi regime destabilized because of a few unhappy citizens, again, many of them are agents of Iran, especially those Saudi women who want to drive cars.

 

As per Iran, we call for democracy in that nation, even though we accept full responsibility for overthrowing the democratically elected leader, Mossedeq, and installing the Shah who oppressed his people for many years.

We know you share our joy with the elimination of the hated terrorist Osama Bin Laden. Even though we created him and supported him, the time came for his removal, even though we were aware he was living in a mansion with his three wives in Pakistan. He served us well, but the time came for his disposal. You know how we handle those who outlive our usefulness, e.g., Saddam Hussein.

We promised a total troop removal from Iraq, but circumstances may prevent this unless it is expedient for my upcoming election. We hope the people of Iraq understand, especially that guy Sadr and his army of the poor in Sadr City who fought with us to no avail.

Our regional partners, namely the Sunni neighbors of Iraq, have warned us not to leave Iraq under a Shia regime, again this will only benefit Iran, the enemy of world peace. Not Israel and certainly not America who is the champion of world peace as you all know throughout the Muslim world, not matter that we are now occupying Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and making inroads into Libya. You may be surprised to learn that it is not the oil we want in Libya but the water. Yes, water will be a precious commodity in the coming days. We pray to Allah you can understand why we do what we do.

 

As per Afghanistan, we have promised the Taliban if they lay down their arms, we will give them schooling, housing and employment. We wish we could offer the same to our boys and girls in the hoods of America who are terrorizing their communities with drugs and guns, but our budget crisis will not allow education, housing and jobs for the boys and girls in the hood, although we can do this for the Taliban. As you know we did this in Iraq and this was the real cause of the decrease in violence, not the socalled surge of Baghdad under General Betrayus.

 

As you know, General Betrayus will be taking over the Central Intelligence Agency. We appreciate his role in prolonging the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. We feel he has been successful in routing the 100 to 500 Al Quida in Afghanistan, especially after we sent him thirty thousand additional troops.

Finally, our friends in Pakistan may have some misgivings about the unilateral move we made to eliminate Osama bin Laden, but we want them to get over it and not make any silly moves like seeking revenge with their nuclear option.

I close in the name of peace, As-Salaam-Alaikum.
President Barack Hussein Obama