Darrel Abdul Jackmon (March 1, 1964- March 18, 2002) and father, Marvin X
photo Adam Turner
Five Years In My Solitude
For Duke and the Ancestors
time to heal
A thousand wounds of this world
Battles I didn't need to fight
fought not fearing death
Only Allah my fear
His arms wrapped me
as lover holds beloved
I stood straight on battlefield
a man child
When governor sent troops to slay me
Reagan said, "By any means necessary!"
I did not know awesome power of State
Did not care
Allah my General
Whom shall I fear
best soldiers need R n R
after death of dreams
death of lovers father mother
Even my child, my precious son
who walked talked laughed like me
gone at 39
Time came to heal
The thousand wounds
After flight exile capture
Jail prison
House arrest
Blacklisted whiteballed
Drugs to medicate
Smother pain of nothingness
Dread
I could not love my last lover
Or one before her her her
I was pain to them all
They only wanted to be loved
I wanted my creativity
But didn't know it
Misplaced aggression
Misplaced love
Serve the Creator God Sun Ra taught
God of discipline not freedom
Finally moment arrived
To escape my fake love
Insincere heart soul mind
She said you don't want me
Just my pussy
Why don't I mail it to you!
She said you told me I was ten in one, one in ten
you didn't believe your own words
Didn't you say, "Poets must study their poems?"
When my last lover died I died
wallowed in guilt shame
my one in ten, ten in one was gone
my distant lover like no other
rocked my world to core
my angel gone into midnight air
I have missed you every day darling
I say your name every day
my friends knew I abused a woman angelic
distant lover I bow at your shrine of love
like no other
ten in one, one in ten
My patron gave me a place of solitude in the hills near Paradise
soon burned to ground
Near Yankee Hill
Ten acres in Cherokee
To walk out pain in my black heart
Down road from Feather River
I loved swimming in sun
Wrote five books
Five years in foothills
Solitude
except for hawk
Wild turkeys deer frogs
bees loved the Sage brush at my door
always open for bees flies spiders
Lizards morning air
Even birds came through my open door
came inside for closer listen
a chorus for my John Coltrane record
Even outside in trees
I heard birds call and response to John Coltrane
Can you imagine birds accompanied St. John Coltrane
Choral Arkestra Sun Ra would have loved
I couldn't believe bird choral sounds
as if birds don't know music
I told birds bees lizards spiders it was time to leave
they left
I had no desire to kill them
Now and then my city friends came to visit
but many wanted to kill kill kill everything
Bees flies ants turkey deer hawk
Please go home
Return to your wicked city
Kill nothing here
Go home to your killing floor
Leave me in my solitude
And prayers
For Native American souls I hear wailing from hill to hill in stone silence of day and night
When I left and the fire came
I wondered was fire justified
How can Paradise burn
We die to enter Paradise
How can Paradise burn
is it the story of Yankee Hill
Across road
Did Yankee blood soak land under my feet
Land I hear in silence of screams
a thousand souls wailing to be heard not forgotten
Recognized for pain and glory of resistance
Why could we not share the land
there was enough, still enough to live in peace, love, harmony before "they" came
Why do plunderers love blood
Ritual sacrifice to gods of war
Ogun gods perhaps.
Here comes Ogun Squad.
Worshippers of Yakubian god of steel.
No these are gods North cradle
Diop taught us about them
Tragedy murder primary theme
Leitmotif
Pervasive in death myth/ritual
Model of critical white race theory
Study Krishna Black Black God
Indo-European caste
Blue black god supreme
how black untouchable
dalit bottom rail eternity
if white supremacy survives
but it won't
Caste must be destroyed
we are not your slaves
god is not slave of devils
who love fire
Study mythology
Ordeal by fire
Burning man annual fest
Long before pic a nigga
Pic a white burning man
annual family outing
In name of Jesus you burned crucified pic a nigga
Jesus saved me
Only me can save me
I don't know what you came to do.
I came to praise His name!
But note critical rituals
No mercy gods of war
I do not know all the history
I know history
In my solitude
I gaze upon the land
Pine trees tall upright soldiers
wanting to tell tales of victory
victory comes to all one day
Every dog has his day
A day for you
A day for me.
no escape
no hiding place
rolling hills
Tall pines
speak truth
Were you just unjust
Did you come in the name of love
Did you give justice love
Why is blood on the land
Listen to the silence shattering my ears
Can you hear God of Nature?
See sun blessing land
I Listen to birds early
Listen to cows horses
They listened to me
yes I talk with cows
They listen to my every word
Stand attention
I have witness
Cows not hard headed negroes
bull controls herd
Don't mess with his cows
He will make his way to you with horns of love
Like rooster guarding his hens
Don't mess with hens laying eggs.
Solitude took me back to Nature's God.
You don't know what to do
Observe Mother Nature
If Mother Nature do it
You do it
If Mother don't do it
You don't do it
common sense
not common these days.
Cows horses let you know
if you don't come on time with oats hay
Ever seen cow horse stare
looking mean like they starving to death
Staring into your window far away
you feel strong vibe telling you bring oats hay
in hurry
If you know what's good for you
Mister Human Being.
you arrive with oats
hay
horses greedy
Push cows out way
Specially when you come with oats
Cow can't get one oat from a horse.
Better Ax somebody.
Long after I am gone
Fire comes to Paradise
Paradise no more
In Cherokee
Ten acres
Big house burns
My house untouched.
Praise be to the God Allah
If it is Him you serve
Serve Him/Her if you please
I serve my Lord. To you your way and to me mine: lakum dinukum waliya din.
Pine trees will speak again one day
Those who listen shall not be in denial of the screams deep down in roots
In the bed and swift current of Feather River where I swim in the sun down the road from my abode
Five years in my solitude
I healed
Ready for battlefield again
Not to fight battles I already fought
Ideological dogmatism
Religiosity sectarianism
The low information vibration mentality
Not for me
As I prepared to leave the rolling hills I came to understand the death of lovers
Who come for a time
Then go their way to other worlds
Some are only for the night
Some for years
Some for eternity
Some dissappear before dawn prayer.
no attachments
But to Allah
To whomever you serve as Allah
As we departed the beautiful rolling hills
We understood death of Mother Father son sister brother uncle aunt
Comrade brother sister warrior.
We understood death is life
Life is death
Rolling hills taught me to stand
I awakened each day
gazed upon pine trees in regale silence
I honor hawk
commanding sky
swoops down upon his prey
Hawk taught me silence of the killer.
I am ready for my city
I depart my solitude
Let the blood of this land be upon me as I return to the city to share the peace of my life
Alas, a man bought one of the five books written in my solitude
He said the peace in the deep structure of my book calmed his soul whenever he got upset.
And so it is
When a mother is calm
Her children are calm.
Thanks to my Patron
Abdul Leroy James
May he rest in the Paradise that shall only burn with the eternal fire of love.
--MARVIN X
11/25/20
