Creativity and Sexuality

Part Eight: Creativity and Sexuality

Let me begin by saying I do not think this subject is gender specific: sexual energy does not discriminate. Cutting to the chase, there are male whores and female whores, or simply persons who are highly sexed. Even religious or spiritual persons can fit this mode, i.e., church ho's or mosque ho's. Their spirituality may enhance their sexuality, for ultimately sex is recognized as a spiritual experience, a way to merge with the Divine force, how else is that feeling of oneness derived, that moment when the lover and beloved transcend gender to become a force of spiritual energy, united in the oneness of bliss, in harmony with the Divine?

Should we be so presumptuous to think the artistic person is therefore more sexually driven than the average, normal Joe Blow? In spite of my artistic personality, I think Joe Blow is just as sexually driven as I was as a young man. All humans have this sexual urge, although some have a greater urge than others, and they can be artists, Joe Blows, workers, preachers, dancers, intellectuals, or anyone, depending on their bio-chemistry.

For the artist, the problem is distinguishing the sexual urge from the creative impulse. And there are those workaholics who rather work than fuck--they actually get a nut working, sex is simply not a major force in their lives, just as the artist would often rather create than have sex. Duke said music was his mistress, and this is probably so for every true artist.

Now there are artists who drown in sex and everything else but creativity, even after a lifetime of artistic training. Of course they are ultimately punished by the Creator for dissing Him/Her. Sex, drugs, gambling, employment (for fear of poverty) and other diversions only delay their day of judgment when the Creator shall ask them why they did not serve Him/Her with all their being, since they were blessed with certain talent yet were in denial, fear and refused to exercise the discipline to be their creative best. With their God given talent, they remained stuck on stupid, only now and then giving expression to their creative genius.

And yet we might be forced to examine which comes first, the chicken or the egg? For a long time I imagined I had a sexual addiction as part of my general addictive personality--no matter what endeavor, I would take things to the extreme, whether sexual, political, religious, economic, etc. Eldridge Cleaver was a similar personality. No matter what he engaged in, he gave his all, whether criminality, study or self education, right or left wing politics, religious endeavors and especially his sexual fantasies.

But as per myself, upon closer examination, I concluded my sexual energy was in reality creative energy that I was wasting in carnality. And yet the sexual energy was the catalyst for my creativity. In short, after sex, I was full of energy and ready to get out of bed to write late into the night. In despair, my lover would cry, "Where are you going?" Sadly and tragi-comically, all the time we were making love I was thinking about a poem!

Well, we learn in recovery that the chemicals that make us high are already in the brain cells, certain activity releases them and we feel "high." Drugs, dancing, sex, walking, cigaretts, all release the chemicals that get us "loaded." Sex was thus the drug that ignited my creative impluse.

My friends could not understand why I didn't want or need cocaine back in the day when sniffing was en vogue. But I was naturally speeding, so what could cocaine do for me? The coke needed to catch up with me! I preferred weed to calm me down. But only when I became older and my sexual urge declined somewhat that my creative energy soared, to the degree that I preferred being creative rather than making love, although I still like pussy, but I'm full of "sex guilt" for wasting so much of my life pursuing sex when I should have been more creative and productive, not to mention the twelve years as a dope fiend on Crack.

Rather than twenty books, I should have written fifty or a hundred by now. I got stuck in the pussy and in relationships, including marriages, trying to be somebody's lover, partner and husband. I do not think I was ever a lover, partner or husband. I pretended to be and did a pitiful and miserable job of it. Ask my ex-lovers! I was no huband or father, didn't give a damn about any of that, only on the surface, but in the deep structure of my mind was the creative impulse, overriding everything else to the degree that I should have never married, although I do appreciate the women and children in my life. How they tolerated me, I don't know.

Mama said I was not the type of man she would have around her. And she said I definitely did not need a wife, maybe a secretary, maid and mistress, but not a wife. Maybe she recognized my creative essence and could see I was good for nothing else.

I have come to agree with her. We know Mom's always right. Of course I ignored her and got married numerous times, and all my marriages failed, simply because my mind wasn't there. It was up in the sky or somewhere. And so the failures were all my fault, the women were almost perfect in their love, loyalty and royal treatment of me. I am probably one of the most spoiled men in the world. Women should not spoil a man, only if they get reciprocity or get spoiled in return. How ironic that my favorite song is Nature Boy with the line, "The greatest thing you will ever learn is to love and be loved in return." What a wonderful lesson, and yet what relevance does it have for the creative personality?

I am willing to love, yet the creative urge dominates. At this point, does it matter if I love or not. In the end, does it matter if am remembered as a loving partner or husband, or will not the ultimate question be, "Did he get his life's work accomplished?" Does the world--not that we should be overly concerned with the world--give a damn about my personal life or my creative life? There are those who can't stand me as a person but love my creativity. Do we give a damn about how Miles Davis treated his women, or do we love and cherish the music of Miles Davis?

-- From The Wisdom of Plato Negro, Marvin X, BBP, 2010.